this is nothing more than an extremely-softcore porn. furthermore, it's the worst softcore porn i've ever seen.
the premise.
the premise.
the staff of an adult ice cream shop is dwindling. the reason?... muuuurder! even billed as a porn, this movie has potential to be entertaining, right? i mean... i like ice cream... i like scantily clad women. where could this go wrong?
first of all, the acting is absolutely atrocious. now, i don’t mean ‘kevin costner’ atrocious... i mean ‘wednesday night at the improv’ atrocious. and to further emphasize the abysmal acting, the writers (or should i say the director’s 11 year old son) opted to eliminate all organized thought and any chance of rational character development. essentially, this is a porn... but when the characters would normally commit certain acts of indecency with each other, these characters would break into what felt like a cheesy heavy metal music video. fake breasted women dancing awkwardly to some simple guitar riffs while the camera guy, clearly suffering from ADD, zoomed in and out (beavis and butthead would’ve had a field-day with this!).
frankly, i’m embarrassed. i’m embarrassed i had this movie on my Blockbuster queue. i’m embarrassed that i used our nation’s resources to have this movie shipped through the mail. i’m embarrassed that i got up from the couch to put this movie in the dvd player. i’m embarrassed that the main menu had an option to ‘play film’ (film?) and i pressed the enter button. and i’m embarrassed that i watched as much as i did. i even watched some of the special features, hoping that the cheesiness was an attempt at irony. i was wrong. as soon as the first ‘interview with the cast’ started and one of the characters in the movie explained that it was his first experience as an actor, i knew i had made a big mistake.
unfortunately, today is sunday and i have no choice but to let this movie sit in my home for another 24 hours. i thought about taking the ‘film’ to the mailbox anyway... you know... to make a point. but as i said, today is sunday and i’m far too lazy to make any points.
since i did waste about 40 minutes of my life watching (half of) this movie, i suppose i should share some of the hilarity with you. i told you that the movie involves an ice cream shop. well, in every scene involving ice cream, they used some soupy, syrupy substance that more closely resembled melted ice cream than actual ice cream. seriously... ice cream is what?... $3 a pint? we couldn’t spring for the real thing, guys?
also, the murder scenes?... there’s absolutely no special effects (just implied violence). the first victim is ‘stabbed’ repeatedly with the pointed-end of a waffle cone. there was no breaking of the skin. no effects. just an arm making a stabbing motion, an oscar-worthy performance of screaming (ha!), and the addition of corn syrup blood. another girl is covered with blood (a common theme in this movie and clearly just an attempt to show naked pornstars covered in syrup) while the murderer dumped whipped cream, nuts, and sundae toppings on her... UNTIL SHE DIES! really?! this is too much.
i’ve lost a little faith in horror movies... but mostly, i’ve lost faith in myself. i, now, must reevaluate my entire queue.
hot blood sundae 2... how’d you get on here?
