when it comes to phobias... well yes, i’ve got a few standards in my repertoire like public speaking, heights, and i’ve never been a big fan of spiders. but, like most people, i’ve also got a set of ‘special’ fears that are all-my-own. for instance, i have this weird thing with west virginia and i’ve recently realized that moths give me the heebie-jeebies. but perhaps the most humorous of the whole lot is my childhood fear of santa. i kid you not. and if my word isn’t good enough, don’t worry... there’s also photographic evidence. i was definitely the kid in the mall making a scene in the line to see santa and looking at the photos now makes me question the intentions of those sadist bastards that took my picture instead of... oh, i don’t know... maybe getting me off that pink-faced stranger’s lap! but i digress.
given my fear of santa and my desire to actually be scared by a movie, i was relatively excited to see that a christmas/horror movie existed... 'black christmas'.
the premise is simple...
a psychopathic kid murders his family on christmas. they’re dead and he’s sent to an institution. it’s now some 20 years later and he’s escaped (a pretty gnarly escape involving a candy-cane shiv and the neck of a security guard). well of course it’s christmas eve and he’s heading to his childhood house which is now a sorority house (excellent... i knew they’d work in a little ‘t and a’). and you can pretty much guess what happens next.
does the premise sound a little familiar to anyone? maybe if we substitute in one holiday for another... make it halloween instead of christmas? everyone with me? hmm? hmmmm? ok, i’m done.
the movie gets a C- for originality. the only saving grace was that this movie portrayed a bizarre conglomerate of murder and joyous christmas cheer. an ornament adorned christmas tree sits in the corner of the room. the stockings were hung by the chimney with care... and a yellow-skinned psycho is eating the eyeballs of your pledge sisters.
which brings me right to my next point... what is the deal with the eyeball eating?! i’m beginning to notice a trend. the american public must be really disgusted by anything related to the eyes because these contemporary horror flicks are chock-full of this shit.
anywho... back to the issue at hand. ‘black christmas’ was decent but not worth another look. there was a decent amount of suspense (or maybe i was just sufficiently buzzed) and i definitely had my preemptive-cringe going for a chunk of the movie. but when the music swelled and the axe fell (no pun intended), i was far from impressed. and no amount of eyeball devouring and squirting is going to change that.
another thing to take note of... this psychopath has been sitting in a cell, concocting nothing but murderous and mischievous plans, for the last 20 years. he finally escapes and now he’s going after who?... a group of sorority girls? really? not setting the bar very high, are we? maybe we’ll move up to puppies and homeless people next?
not the biggest waste of my time... but the rolling credits were a welcomed scene.
Kyle, I never knew about your Santa phobia! It reminds me of a story from Janet's family. (Had it been my family, I would've shared your phobia for sure!) When Janet's dad was little, and he misbehaved, his mom would give the usual threats year-round about Santa and the Naughty List. When this failed to bring about good decorum, his father would sometimes dress up in his Santa suit -- regardless of the season -- and come in the back door and beat the children.
ReplyDeleteTerrifying. I wonder if they behaved after that?
Love from Montreal,
Holly
that's absolutely terrible and only further justifies my fear of the jolly man (or just janet's family). ha.
ReplyDelete