dead alive (1992)

a few summers ago, i went on a bit of a horror movie free-for-all while living at my parent’s house.  i became a regular at the blockbuster down the street and yes... sadly, i actually developed a relationship with the employees.  blockbuster employees crack me up; movie-dorks of all shapes and sizes.  sure as shit though, there’s always at least one that knows everything there is to know about horror flicks.  slashers, zombies, horror comedy, black arts... you name it, they’ve seen it.  that’s not to say that their opinion means anything (or my opinion for that matter) but it’s nice to have some direction when you’re dealing with such a ridiculous genre.  well the one movie that he would talk frequently about was ‘dead alive’.  they didn’t have it on the shelf but he assured me, if i ever get the chance, i should see this movie.  well today, i’m scrolling through the OnDemand movies and what do i see...

alright, pat... a promise is a promise.

‘dead alive’ is a peter jackson film... but from a time before peter jackson was a household name.  i know he went on to produce some acclaimed films like ‘lord of the rings’ and ‘district 9’, but we really can’t let our opinion of the man’s career factor into our review of his early work.  that being said... this movie is extremely cheesy... but a very entertaining cheese at that.  like fondu!

some crazy “rat monkey” is captured in some crazy country and brought to an american zoo (despite the fact that it’s bite is known to have hazardous consequences).  a woman is bit by the monkey while visiting the zoo and her health quickly starts to deteriorate.  and i mean this very literally.  her ear falls off into her pudding... which she then eats.  bloody-pus periodically bubbles out of her wound.  she eats a dog whole and when the son pulls the dog’s pelt out of his mother’s throat, his girlfriend exclaims... ‘your mother ate my dog’ (to which he comically responds ‘not all of it’ while holding the pelt in his hands).  ok... it’s becoming increasingly clear that this movie is supposed to be funny.  good... that’ll make it much easier to laugh when a priest beats the shit out of some zombies and says ‘i kick ass for the lord’.  that was rich!

all in all... some archaic special effects, some gnarly 80's gore, some zombie sex (coulda done without that actually), some hilarious b-movie-esque writing... oh yes, and some punches to the face of a zombie baby makes this movie worth watching for a laugh but it certainly won’t scare you.  

the funny thing is... i kinda walked into this thinking it was actually a scary flick.  boy, is my face red!

insidious (2010)

[intro credits roll]

[intro credits rolling...]

[done?!... nope, still rolling...]

well now that i know all 400 people that worked on this movie, i'd say i'm beyond-ready to proceed.  

the premise (though familiar) is far from simple.  in short, a family is settling into their new home when they start to notice a few anomalies.  as is typical of these 'poltergeist' movies, we're sloooowly eased into the idea that something's horribly wrong... books that were placed on a shelf are found on the ground and the children start venturing around the attic, etc.  not completely unexplainable, right?  sure, things don't seem right but it's the first few nights in a new house so everyone shrugs it off, naturally.  but we, the audience, know better!  we saw the previews so we're less than comforted by the 'new house' explanation.  then, rather suddenly, one of the children slips into a coma and doctors are baffled.  he is placed on monitors and home supervision (someone slips into a coma and the doctors send him home right away?!  i know insurance companies are cruel but this is ludicrous).  it isn't until the wife (Rose Byrne; 28 weeks later, damages) hears an angry man's voice on the baby monitor (and finds no one upon further inspection) that she begins to crack.  we begin seeing people, hearing voices, and all sorts of strange, suspenseful pop-out-from-behind-the-door shit starts happening.  this movie is jam-packed with scenes that make you jump!  

that's all well-n-good but we need a full-length feature here.  so let's throw in the skeptical father figure.  he's not convinced of anything (turn around, ya dumbass!) but, when his wife pleads with him, he agrees to move out of the house.  awesome!  a haunted house story where the people actually move!  sweet relief!

everything's going well in the new house until a small ghost-child starts running around the house playing hide-n-seek with the wife.  oooooo a twist!  it wasn't the house!  let's call a psychic ghost whisperer to get to the bottom of this...

.... and this is where the movie begins its nosedive.  priests, psychics, and revealed truths about the father help us tie together the mysterious coma and the hauntings.  i don't even know how to explain the storyline.  let's just say it involves lost souls and demons from another dimension.  


yea... they went there.

hmm.  the story started out with an interesting plot with the surprise twist that the suspected cause (the house) wasn't relevant and we were forced to focus on factors that were overlooked (the coma).  also, the 'pop out' effects were especially unnerving (and the darkness of the room i was sitting in had me slightly on-edge).  so, for these reasons, i give the movie a MEH+ but the asinine plot at the end left me a little disinterested.  

in sum, i don't regret my $1.50 rental fee or my use of a thursday night.  and after-all, isn't this the most important part?!

dementia 13

francis coppola (the godfather saga) directed "dementia 13" when he was just 22 years old.  at 22, i was living in my childhood bedroom, letting my mom do my laundry, and working a few hours at the local grocery store.  and now 25, i've only just figured out what i want to do with my life and i'm taking a few baby steps in that direction.  i'm certainly not directing my first movie!  i'll give him kudo-points just for that feat!  but let us forget the glamor of a name for a moment and judge this movie on its merits alone.

the acting is... well it's tolerable.  it's hard to appropriately critique the acting in these classic movies.  what would be incredibly cheesy by today's standards was probably not bad for its time.  i've watched a lot of ancient b&w horror movies lately and this ain't the worst!  the writing is bad and some of the lines fall short of their mark but that's to be expected in the horror genre so i'm giving that aspect a B-.  the cinematography is pretty damn good.  it's actually better than some of the "new" horror movies i've seen lately.  you can see the makings a great director in this film.

and bonus kudos... at one point, a character remarks "especially an american girl.  you can tell she's been raised on promises."  i'm not really sure if these lines have anything to do with the opening line in tom petty's "american girl" (1977) but i'd say it's a good possibility since this movie was made in 1963... and the quote's almost exact!  worth mentioning at least.  

and a quick summary of the plot (recounted in a mundane fashion to indicate triviality)... there's a man who comes from money and i don't think he gets along with his wife.  they go to ireland to visit his wealthy family.  one night, he takes her on a boat ride and tells her that if he dies, she'll get nothing (the jerk!).  then he keeps rowing so fast that he has a heart attack and the dumb bastard forgot his medicine.  it almost seems that he does this on purpose just to make sure she gets nothing.  now that's some serious spite!  so his wife, wanting a taste of the family fortune, tosses his body in the pond and forges a letter from him stating he had to go back to america.  she does this so she'll have time to convince her mother-in-law to adapt her will (the legal document) so she can get some of the family fortune.  well that's no small feat!  no siree bob!  the mother-in-law is one tough cookie and she's way too busy mourning the death of her daughter who drowned in the pond years ago.  well someone wants everyone dead i guess because people keep dying.  and then someone finds out who it is... and then we all find out who it is!  hoooray!  

now that i think of it, this movie is fuuuuull of plot holes (or, really, just dumb plot parts) but the entertaining qualities still exist.  i recommend this movie if you're trying to make your way through a boxset of 50 classic horror movies; compared to the other 49 movies, it would stand out a little bit.  but if you're looking for something to watch on a friday night, look elsewhere.  

let me in.

"let me in" is a smart, original film about a vampiric demon's quest for blood... and thus, life.  there are ins-n-outs and interesting character developments... but frankly, i don't wanna spoil this one.  i enjoyed it and felt that my inner-turmoil ("whaaaat is happening?") added to the overall experience.

i think what sets this movie apart from others in the genre is the dynamic relationship between the two children that leaves you both puzzled and spirited.  when owen (the loner runt of a dysfunctional family) meets abby (his new neighbor) in the courtyard of their apartment complex, she states that they can't be friends and walks away.  what a c-word!

but we're only about 20 minutes into this story!  seems inevitable that their paths would continue to cross and a bond would continue to grow.  and grow it does... even through the bloodshed.

it's more substantial than a suspenseful slasher... but it still has elements of horror and unadulterated gore.  i highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good flick.

my what-haps

it's been about a year since my last post.  but i can guarantee you it hasn't been that long since my last horror movie... or my last sarcastic comment, for that matter.  so why the dead-air, kyle?

well, apathy mostly...

but i think, with the passing of the halloween season, something has been reignited in me that needs to be shared again... a love-hate relationship with the horror genre and a netflix account wired(less) directly to my wii.

i'll try to get another wave of terrible movies commented on... shouldn't be too hard; there's a long list.

thanksKilling!

yes... this is a thanksgiving-themed horror movie.

yes... the antagonist is a homicidal turkey that speaks (in a freddie krueger meets chuckie manner)

and yes... this movie is terrible.

the scene opens on an areola.  as the camera pans out, we see a 17th century pilgrim woman running through the forest topless.  suddenly, she trips over a rock and a turkey sneaks up behind her, exclaiming "nice tits, bitch" as he slices her with an axe.  why is the pilgrim topless?  why is this turkey so crass?  and how is this turkey capable of swinging an axe?  i assumed this turkey would shred people with its razor-sharp beak.  that's remotely believable, right?  but nope... an axe is the weapon of choice.  huh (shrug).

well about 15 minutes into this 66 minute masterpiece, i learn that an indian put a curse on white people and necromanced a turkey to haunt the people of Crawford.  unfortunately, a group of college students are on their way home for Thanksgiving when their car breaks down and they decide to get drunk instead.  and they just so happen to be in Crawford.

everyone survives the night and a few of them start to believe the legend of the killer turkey... yada yada yada... the car is miraculously fixed and they head home... yada yada yada... the turkey, being the cunning foul that he is, hitchhikes his way into a car and when the driver tries to get a little tail (as payment for the ride), the turkey shoots him with a shotgun and makes his way to their hometown.

at one point, the turkey has sex with one of the girls (with an extra small gravy-flavored condom) before killing her.  i can't believe what i'm seeing.

this is a b-horror movie at its finest... which is really not all that fine actually.  i was slightly entertained by the ridiculousness though.  and the fact that it was only an hour long was its saving grace.

i think i'll go make a sandwich or something...

hot blood sundae

this is nothing more than an extremely-softcore porn.  furthermore, it's the worst softcore porn i've ever seen.


the premise.  

the staff of an adult ice cream shop is dwindling.  the reason?... muuuurder!  even billed as a porn, this movie has potential to be entertaining, right?  i mean... i like ice cream... i like scantily clad women.  where could this go wrong?

first of all, the acting is absolutely atrocious.  now, i don’t mean ‘kevin costner’ atrocious... i mean ‘wednesday night at the improv’ atrocious.  and to further emphasize the abysmal acting, the writers (or should i say the director’s 11 year old son) opted to eliminate all organized thought and any chance of rational character development.   essentially, this is a porn... but when the characters would normally commit certain acts of indecency with each other, these characters would break into what felt like a cheesy heavy metal music video.  fake breasted women dancing awkwardly to some simple guitar riffs while the camera guy, clearly suffering from ADD, zoomed in and out (beavis and butthead would’ve had a field-day with this!).

frankly, i’m embarrassed.  i’m embarrassed i had this movie on my Blockbuster queue.  i’m embarrassed that i used our nation’s resources to have this movie shipped through the mail.  i’m embarrassed that i got up from the couch to put this movie in the dvd player.  i’m embarrassed that the main menu had an option to ‘play film’ (film?) and i pressed the enter button.  and i’m embarrassed that i watched as much as i did.  i even watched some of the special features, hoping that the cheesiness was an attempt at irony.  i was wrong.  as soon as the first ‘interview with the cast’ started and one of the characters in the movie explained that it was his first experience as an actor, i knew i had made a big mistake. 

unfortunately, today is sunday and i have no choice but to let this movie sit in my home for another 24 hours.  i thought about taking the ‘film’ to the mailbox anyway... you know... to make a point.  but as i said, today is sunday and i’m far too lazy to make any points.

since i did waste about 40 minutes of my life watching (half of) this movie, i suppose i should share some of the hilarity with you.  i told you that the movie involves an ice cream shop.  well, in every scene involving ice cream, they used some soupy, syrupy substance that more closely resembled melted ice cream than actual ice cream.  seriously... ice cream is what?... $3 a pint?  we couldn’t spring for the real thing, guys?

also, the murder scenes?... there’s absolutely no special effects (just implied violence).  the first victim is ‘stabbed’ repeatedly with the pointed-end of a waffle cone.  there was no breaking of the skin.  no effects.  just an arm making a stabbing motion, an oscar-worthy performance of screaming (ha!), and the addition of corn syrup blood.  another girl is covered with blood (a common theme in this movie and clearly just an attempt to show naked pornstars covered in syrup) while the murderer dumped whipped cream, nuts, and sundae toppings on her... UNTIL SHE DIES!  really?!  this is too much.

i’ve lost a little faith in horror movies... but mostly, i’ve lost faith in myself.  i, now, must reevaluate my entire queue.  

hot blood sundae 2... how’d you get on here?